another sad day today…. i had to act nice to my friends so that they
wouldnt notice that anything was wrong with me but deep down inside i
actually hate them all… they irritate me the only ones that dont piss
me off are the juniors in my school…. well yea….
2nd day of depression March 11,2004
Time:6 :31 pm…..
Friends: Angela, Trent, Tyler N., Ikaika, Justin, Mike, Alex, Nick, Mike, Krystal, Teresa, Joey i think thats all?
Family: Dad (currently has astma) Mom ( currently has one lung and she
still smokes) Ayoung ( in army and is preagnant ) Nikky (in army and is
currently ayoung’s husband) Sadie ( currently in chicago having fun)
Serena (living in hawaii kai somewhere)
Me: a loser, freak, suicide, raver, comp player, artist, poet, a fucker
( currently lives in hawaii and has a heart mur mur and has a hole in
his heart from his childhood )
well today was a fuqed day… not too much fun.. i went to etopia after
school and met with some friends like john, james, jun, kai, and
kaulana… basically all…. BLAH… i got no friends at all…. BLAH
BLAH BLAH o wellz………… well ima slit wrist again tonight im
gonna add more cuts to my arm slowly…….. how fun! yay! put your
hands up for me! whoo hoo! well ummm nothing much more to say o
wells….

——————————————————————————-
a boquet for the souls i stupidly fell in lust with…..
lauren, tayler, michelle, shelby, ruby, alice

another sad day in my life… from now on ill number all of the sad days i got starting from now on! well today is day one….
Wednesday March 10,2004
i took sleeping pills in school today and i feel asleep for a long time. well as usual school is shitty for me and stuff…. i just wrote poems and stuff and just rubbing the cuts i got on my wrist/arm… i stared at the clouds today pondering about my pathetic excuse for a life… and hey my sister a-young from ______ called me and we talked i might move to _____ with her! yay! now i can run away from hawaii and leave all the fuckers in hawaii behind me and i can forget them! whoo hoo! all the fuckers in hawaii where i get all my stress from… mainly the girls with the acception of some guys as the following: Jimmy, Rico, Chad and some other people from my school but hey i shouldnt let it bother me r
ight? cause a lot of other people hate me too…. but hey thats life! whoo hoo! well i think im gonna cut again tonight idk with what though… cause a knife doesnt work too well… and razors arent deep enough…. so i asked my best friend joey to get me an x-acto knife! w00t….. well umm…. i dont know what to say now… oo yea thanks genie for the talk last night about my life and how to get in shape and thanks angela for helping me about chelsea… lol its not like chelsea is onna even listen to u…. thanks krystal too….. lol well umm… i dont know what to say now…. hmm… well ill just give u guys one of the poems i wrote today…… enjoy please…

Sleeping In A Endless Pain
Slowly Falling
Every Vision Flashing Before My Eyes
Dreams and Fantasies Come To Life
The Door To The Light Closes
As Blind As A Bat In The Daylight
I stumble Trying to Find You
Walking In The Indefinate Vortex Of Pain
Looking For You
Thinking Of You
Dreaming Of You
The Pain That I Have From Thinking About You
Walking In My Heart With a Blindfold
Looking For You
I Know Your In Here
But I Can’t Find You
Maybe After All You Were Never Here After All
Maybe You Were Never Here
Maybe You Weren’t Ever In My Heart After All

i dont know what to do with my life anymore…. im so alone… and
depressed…… all i can do is pray that chelsea will accept me
again….. nothing to do with my life now…. last night slit my arm 3
times and today when i went to the doctor he gave me thsi big lecture
about it so im kinna….. angry…. well im sick so this fucking
sucks…..just wanna say i love chelsea…..

fawk….. today sucked a hole…. im just home… sick… bored…..
and raving in my room while listening to underground trance mixes and
playing ddr….. blah… boring aint it?

she paints her nails and she dont know. hes got her best friend on the
phone. she’ll wash her hair his dirty clothes. thats all he gives to
her. hes got posters on the wall of al the girls he wished she was. and
he means everything to her. her boyfriend. he dont kndont know anything
about her.hes too stoned nintendo. i wish that i could make her see .
shes just the flavor of the week.. its friday night shes all alone hes
a million miles away shes dresssed to kill. butt eh tvs on and hes
connected tot he sound. and hes got pictures on the wall of all the
girls he loved before. shes just  the flavor of the week…..

man im at etopia… and im like bored and stuff cause all i want to do now is talk to chelsea…. but she is not online and it makes me sad…. and i really need to talk to her and stuff….. i really love her… but i dont know if she loves me so it makes me sad inside….. but deep down inside i truthfully honestly love her…. its not lust i love her i swear with my life that i love her and i will never use her….

i love chelsea

blah ikaika slept over again thsi week…. well yea we’re wwatching my
boss’s daughter now! wow tara reid is sooo hott. xP lol well ttyl…

i love chelsea

i dont know what to do now. im so confused and alone. i need some1′s
help. i am in love with her. but i dont know my friends dont want me to
like her. and some of my friends dont even believe me that i got a gf.
cause they think its impossible for me. wut the hell. wut kind of
friends are they if they think that? well man. im just lost now. very
lost. but its all good cause i still got my best friends behind
me.  like sheren. well im doingbetter in school kind of hopefully.
and my parents kind of respect me more. its either that or they dont
really care for me cause they are starting to leave me alone now and
stuff. well i gotta get ready for school so im outtiez for now lata
today ill update this entry. bye bye

i dont know what to do now…. im so confused and alone. my friend
ikaika is having some props. and im having some probs. i lost my good
friend april. and people want me to break up with my gf chelsea but i
dont know what to do. im sad. well in school i raised my grade alittle
from a F to a C. well please can someone help me? im so confused. i
love chelsea but some people dont like her. heres a pic i drew last
night.

its called a bleeding heart of a wounded victom.

blah blah blah blah school was boring… now im working hard to catch
up on my back work to bring up my grades…. blah… well im just
listeining to some korean music…. group As One – song My Only Wish

well talk to you guys lata

i love you chelsea